The Engagement that I've Taken for Granted
It has been one year and seven months since the COVID-19 pandemic has first came to light and changed the course of the whole world indefinitely. It has also been that long since I last attended my church.
Today, in prayer and in retrospect, God reminded of that time when I used to be so in love with Jesus. I am not saying that I have lost my love for Him, but I do acknowledge that I love Him in a different way now.
Ten years ago, I was the audacious, short-haired girl fresh off the boat from the Philippines. You would never miss this girl named Kim (that is me, by the way), because I was so on fire for the Lord then. With my very thick Filipino accent, I asked the worship leader of this newly-found church if I can join the worship team. After a couple weeks, I fearlessly joined their youth group ministry, even if I know that my English communication skills will prematurely be put to test. I grew very active and committed to the work of the Lord in our church that Sunday mornings were not enough. I also devoted my Friday nights to attend our youth group meetings and my Saturday nights to practice for corporate worship the following day. I was unstoppable. I was hungry. I was head-over-heels in love with the Lord.
Fast forward to today, I reminisce those days with tears on my face. I know that I’m still that girl, but somehow I feel this sense of estrangement towards her. I don’t feel like I am lost too, but I know as a matter of fact that I am not where I should be. I feel so different and indifferent towards the person who I used to be. And I guess, I just really miss her so much.
I missed enjoying His presence. I missed not getting enough of His Word. I missed praying like there is no tomorrow. I missed serving Him like it is the best privilege ever. I missed singing to Him until my voice cracks. I missed journaling my thoughts and feelings towards Him. I missed having the satisfaction of being completely loved by Him. I just missed Jesus.
““And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.”
Tonight it hit me hard. God convicted my heart for my selfishness and pride. I grew almost completely independent from Him, thinking that I can do everything on my own. I went after many other lovers as if they can quench my insatiable need for love, attention, affirmation, and sense of purpose. Sadly, this caused me to take for granted the most important engagement in my life.
I am Betrothed to Jesus Christ, my Lord and my God.
Being a 28 year old woman who has achieve many of her goals in life and who has been dating “The One” for two years, I could not help but wonder why I am still unmarried. I feel like I am in this stage of my life where I am ready to get things into the next level. In short, I am ready to settle down and start my own family. For the longest time, I told myself that this is the next big thing that I need to get a hold of. However, the more number is added into my age, the longer my season of waiting have become. My natural response is to grow impatient. Until today, when God revealed me His Word that - before I can be engaged to be married to someone else, I need to protect and preserve my engagement with Jesus first and foremost.
I am betroth to the One who is Love. I am betroth into His eternal covenant of righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, mercy, and faithfulness.
No matter how far I strayed away, the tender voice of God is alluring me back into His love. My first love. And like that girl ten years ago, this same Kim can say “Yes” to the Lord all over again. And that’s because God has already said “Yes” to me and we are both committed to keep our word forever.